What to you would be the ideal midnight snack? I’ve had many lifetimes to think about this.
Here’s what I came up with:
It couldn’t be a continuation of last night’s dinner. Ain’t happening. Has to be totally new to the tastebuds.
Five o’clock in the morning is not conducive to cooking. Max is ten minutes to prepare. We are not Dagwood. We do not construct a sandwich out of twenty ingredients. We do not boil pasta.
Vegetables do not qualify for midnight snacks. Vegetables are, and should remain, vegetables. They’re okay when mixed in with non-vegetables, but a late-nite snack is not reheated broccoli.
Hot dogs. They’re extremely versatile. You can boil ‘em, broil ‘em or froil ‘em. Okay, the last is my invention (but you should taste a froiled hot dog!)
But with a can of Chef-Boy-R-Dee Ravioli you have a meal in a can in three minutes wth a sliced all-beef hot dog!
Pizza. NEVER cold, are you insane, you roving pack of starving canines? HEATED in the toaster oven. Comes in under the ten-minute limit.
Spaghetti. It’s kind of yucky reheated but it works in a pinch. But ONLY IF YOU UNDERCOOKED IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. Plus anything microwaved always ends up being TOO FUCKING HOT.
Popcorn, but only with lots of butter, white vinegar and Southwest Spice. But messy, messy.
No, no . . . here’s the secret. Get your PARTNER to make you a BLT from scratch while you continue to watch the movie, and make sure they layer it correctly, with the right mixture of mustard and mayo and the tomatoes not too thick.
THAT’s the best midnight snack you’ll ever have.
See? You can’t call me not smart.