Carlito

 This is the 1/6 action figure from Blitzway of Al Pacino in the movie Carlito's Way. This is possibly the most stunning action figure I have ever seen. It cost me a pretty penny, too: US$285. This is an expensive hobby.

But check out these photos that I just took:

From the Canon's Mouth

In Which I Compare Lenses

As a photographer of any seriousness, you should know that the camera is just the tip of the money berg; you should be spending at least as much for your go-to lens as you did the camera. Which is to say, prepare to spend around $500 for the lens. Otherwise, just buy a point-and-shoot; don't bother with a real camera.

Yep. I said it, and it's true.

I own four Canon lenses, each one very different and each one in completely different price categories, although all of them are under one, really: Too Expensive For My Budget Because I'm Not a Fucking Professional Photographer, So Fuck You With Your Stupid Comparison Articles Already.

But we'll conveniently ignore reality, like everyone else always does, shall we? Let all the fucking Saudi Nigerian Swedish Somalian orphans starve among their mud huts and let's buy expensive camera lenses that we don't really need so we can take award-winning National Geographic photos of them.

Let's take a look at my lenses. I don't really have any one category of favourite subject for my photos; I use my camera (a Canon Rebel T5i) to take photos of small objects—for selling at auction on eBay, for example—or landscapes, and everything in between. For each, I use different lenses (the insanely expensive macro lens that I used for the jewelry shots is not featured here, as it's a specialty lens that will not be useful to most casual photographers).

Let's take a look.

This lens should be your workhorse. It's the best lens I have ever worked with, period. For everyday work, it can't be beat.

Forget using this for anything except telescopic shots. And it isn't that great at that.

The one that usually comes with your camera is the generic 18-55mm thing, which tends to be fairly awful, although let's call a spade a carrot. In Canon's case, their lenses are so far superior in general to their competitors' (Nikon, uh . . . who else?) that even their worst are better than their competitors' best.

So take this with a boulder of salt.

The Shittiest Lens Money Can Buy. But Still Better Than Nikon

You are much better off ordering the camera without a lens at all, rather than have it ship with this piece of shit.

Now bear in mind that the shittiest Canon lens is usually equal to a top-of-the-line knockoff lens like a Tamron or Smegma, but shit is shit, and as you will see below, the 18-55mm lens is truly awful.

I wouldn't use it for any shot; not a portrait, a low light, a wide angle, NOTHING.

On the left, the 18-135mm lens. On the right, the 18-55 stock lens. Right click to open with a new window to truly compare image quality. Note fuzziness around EVERYTHING in the 18-55mm lens shot

Depending on what you usually like to photograph, this lens tries to cover all bases and ends up covering none, which is usually the case.

Still, if you are a beginning photographer on a budget, just go hang yourself before you buy this combo.

Then read on.

My bank made the hilarious mistake of freezing my checking account balance, which was around $300, because I had failed to pay my credit card balance, which was around $5,000, as fast as they would have liked.

Well, as far as I was concerned, my checking account had nothing to do with my credit card, but since they froze the funds anyway, I decided to use the last gasp of the credit card to buy a nice Canon 18-135mm all-purpose zoom/wide angle lens.

Huh? you ask. How can a wide angle lens also be a zoom lens? I asked myself the same question, but this is truly the Lens to Kill All Lenses (as you will see below, if you didn't already above).

I have no idea how they combined a zoom lens in with a wide angle lens, but this one does the duty of all my other lenses combined.

Take a look at the quick comparison shots I made today with my 18-135mm against the 18-55 and the zoom lenses:

Zoom of the apartment complex opposite my building. This balcony is about 500m away. Right click to open in new window to really see the comparison

Here is the 18-135mm with the 18-55mm:

Astonishing how bad the image quality is on the stock lens. 

And more, comparing the 18-135mm with the 75-300 zoom:

Well, it isn't readily apparent, but once you really zoom in in Photoshop, you will see the fuzziness and artifacts come through loud and clear with the telephoto lens.

What is the conclusion? Well, it shouldn't be too hard to reach. For all purposes I can think of, the Canon 18-135mm kicks all other asses.

That said, how much should you pay for one? Don't be scared to buy a used one. Generally, if a photographer has gone to the trouble of buying this lens, they're probably going to have taken good care of it. I would hesitate before paying over US$500 for it, but if it's new and in the sealed box, go for it. Otherwise, you should be able to find one for less than $300 if you look around.

Do you really need a lens that is this expensive?

Only if you're even semi-serious about your photography.

Very Very Cemetery

In which I Climbed The Hill To The Top And Came All The Way Back Down With My Camera (right-click to open pics in a new window for the full resolution!):

Leave It To Beaver Lake

Trust a nutjob like me going walkies at 6:30 a.m. around Beaver Lake.

Trust Wally not to come with me.

In the Wrong Business

I've obviously missed my calling as a millionaire blogger. Damn! What was I thinking? This guy has all the answers. Hark:

1. The world owes you nothing

The cold, unfeeling universe does not give two sh*ts about you or your writing.

You don't say!

Anyone can walk into a bookstore and pick from Shakespeare, Pratchett, JK Rowling and a million more. Tell me: (a) is your writing more deserving of attention and (b) how would anyone even know?

JK Rowling? You're aiming awfully high, aren't you?

This may sound dispiriting, and it's meant to. We live at the centre of our own private universes, which can fool us into thinking the world responds to our merits as we see them. If you believe this, you’re in for a lifetime of tear-stained keyboards.

I wash my keyboard every second day religiously, due to all the tears spilled upon it. Next!

If you acknowledge the truth, you can arm yourself accordingly.

The truth! Now we have the crux of the matter.

2. Give people a reason to care

You are in competition with every other distraction on the Internet. Your beautifully written sonnet must joust for attention against Miley Cyrus with a kitten.

If you want an audience, don't write for yourself. Forget yourself. Start with:

Who am I writing for?
What can I do for them?
Why should they care?
I forgot myself about twenty years ago. The person writing these words is a guy named Jerry Worzinsky, and he lives in Dayton, Ohio, and is divorced with 2.6 kids.

Let's say you're writing for casual bloggers. It's not hard to think of things that casual bloggers might struggle with ("How to win your first thousand followers"), find entertaining ("My blog cost me my job, wife and kids") or inspiring ("How my blog got me a date with Natalie Portman"). Start there.

How to win my first thousand followers . . . I wrestle with that question from the moment I wake up until the moment I open my eyes.

3. Hook emotionally

Brilliant intellectuals can appreciate content on a purely intellectual basis. For everyone else, there's urgent news, sex, themselves, gossip and sex.

I've gotten out of bed. There. Sex!

You know when you feel compelled to click on a link? You don't have time to think about it. Hooks are entirely emotional:

Scary and urgent — "Terrorists will attack your town, tomorrow"
Big names — “A day in the life of Tony Stark"
Self-interest — “How to win your dream girl"
Sex-appeal — "The hottest babes in tennis"
Trendsetting — “The show everyone is talking about"
“A day in the life of Tony Stark" NOT TONY STARK!!!!!!!!!!

These emotions can be conveyed in a headline. Your headline is where you will win or lose most of your audience. A title in a tweet is judged and dismissed by 99% of your audience before they see another word; ensure yours punches them in their emotional face.

4. Edit as much as you write

Editing is a superpower that can turn charcoal into diamonds. Most people seem content to shovel coal.

This is a maxim that is as maximus as maximus gets. Live your life by this maximus. You only have one life! Only one maxim, too! And if you only have one maxim, maximize it! Charcoal into diamonds! Forget using them for your barbecue. Turn them into diamonds with your very own $22.8 bn processing plant!

Don't mistake editing for proof reading. 

Proof. Reading. Proof your read carefully! Because otherwise your read will proof YOU.

Editing is where you take your work apart in a blender, rearrange, rewrite and rethink everything.

I highly recommend the Osterizer line of editing blenders.

Everything. At a minimum, you must edit for:

Verbosity: Nothing will kill attention faster than excess words. Like these. For example.

Confusion: Your readers may not speak English as their first language. They may be bouncing a baby on their lap. Don't make them think any harder than they have to.
何言ってんの、このやろう。これは難しくない！ (rough translation: What are you saying, asshole? This ain't rocket science.)
Predictability: If someone can guess your next sentence from the previous one, you have a delicious unicycling mongoose. Avoid cliche, add sparkle.
Hey. I like cliches. Rhymes with Nietzsche's.

I personally spend two to three times as much time editing as writing. It makes all the difference.

You must be a VERY busy guy.

5. Build a platform

If you're searching for an audience, it doesn't take long to realize that the famous get most of the attention. The mistake is to assume this dooms you to failure. You just need to become slightly more famous.

It's slowest at the start, which is where most people give up.

It's slowest at the start, which is where most people give up. My writing did nothing for four months; later that year I had 4 million views. Write continuously, and test everything you can think of. Think of it like tuning a radio.

To win in the long term, your platform must efficiently convert readers into followers. Forget likes and tweets; followers are what you're after. Best of all, start a mailing list — it's more work, but you'll have far higher engagement than you'll ever get from Twitter and Facebook. 

I shy away from work.

If you write something and it doesn't clearly encourage people to follow you, you're playing the wrong game. 

I beg your pardon! I'm playing The Price is Rite.

Some writers may find all of this a bit dirty. Well, yes. Unfortunately, it's also how people work. You must appeal to their nature before you can win them over with your writing. Otherwise, no one will know what wonders they're missing.

If no one is reading these words, they are sure wondering. Or missing. Or something. I think I understand.

Good luck.

Thank you. I'm going to need it.

An Elegant Description of the Web Today

. . . cannot be said more succinctly than this.

Transience (no, not Trans Science)

Life is so transient, and random. The other day, I was within about ten inches of being in a hospital for a year. Or worse.

My wife was pulling out of our garage driveway in her typical plodding fashion, and some Arab woman in a fast car decided she wasn't going to take it, so she passed on the right. Never mind that my wife was in the furthermost right lane and on our right was the lane for parked cars.

This cunt zipped by my passenger-side door at about 40mph; I saw the whites of her eyes as she passed, not 10 inches away.

If she had hit the car it would have been square on my door and I might never have the use of my right arm again, all in a fraction of a second because of the rash decision of one cunt in possession of a driver's license.

I insisted my wife catch up with her at the stoplight. At first she pretended we weren't there. Then she yelled "You were going 20 miles an hour!"

As if that were a crime.

A crime for which I would have paid very, very dearly.

When I tell my wife "Drive carefully" every time she goes out, I'm not just blowing smoke.

Life is just one huge bad mistake just itching to happen.

If you go about things with this in mind, perhaps bad things won't happen to you.

Or perhaps they will.

We Are All Going To Die.

No, sorry. YOU are all going to die.

On The Periphery of Greatness

I realize now that I was somehow placed in a pinpoint of magic during my youth; I was surrounded by monster talent, I networked among future giants, and in many ways, I was the only binding agent between all of them.

That is to say, they rarely knew each other. I knew them. What does this mean, exactly? It means that I somehow existed in a nexus of People Who Were Destined For Greatness—the thing was, nobody knew that at the time.

So why didn't I end up like them? Well, I've had a lot of time to think about that. I think I didn't end up like them because I self-sabotaged at every turn. Every golden opportunity to advance, I avoided. I didn't want to end up being a successful musician; I hated the lifestyle. I loved it as a hobby, but actually going on the road—that was torture.

I needed routine and predictability, and having a career in the Arts promised none of that.

That said, let's look at all the people I once hung out with who went on to greater fame and fortune.

A lot of these people I met at my art college.

I was editor of the school newspaper, and one of my writers was the girlfriend of this guy, a giant in the writing field (I'm going to try not to name names, because I don't want search engines to come back to this piece. Sorry, you'll just have to bear with me.)

So I didn't actually know the guy, but there was a separation factor of One.

Then, there was a crowd that hung out together, and one of them was this guy, who went on to have a Spielbergian career in movies. Of course, he wasn't bald when I knew him, but we used to hang out a lot together and talk about girlfriend problems.

Another student who I co-opted for the newspaper was this guy, who went on to have quite a career with LucasArts and other big-name companies. To think he used to draw T-shirts for me on spec. That would cost me a pretty penny today.

A guy who used to be the drummer in my band went on to be the drummer with these guys.

There are many more names I could drop, most not so "famous," but the most annoying was my best friend and songwriting partner who went on to become the multi-decade partner of this person, in the process getting to meet every rock name known on the planet.

Do I regret not being any of these people?

NOPE.

Pizzathon

Here I go again: I made EIGHT PIZZAS again this afternoon.

Faithful readers will recall that I did this once before. That time it was a huge deal; today, not so much. If all the prep is done carefully, it's a bit assembly-line-ish. Of course, the dough has to cooperate. Sometimes it becomes difficult to handle, for reasons unknown. It develops holes, doesn't want to become round, stuff like that.

But today all went well! I made several tomato-sauce based pizzas and several goat-cheese-feta pizzas (no tomato sauce).

That should be good as emergency snacks for at least a couple of months.

That ingredient prep tray is invaluable

One dough enough for four pizzas. From the pizza joint at Atwater Market ($4.50 ea.)

Divided in four.

Pretty round!

Brush on olive/truffle oil.

#1 ready to go in the oven at 550°.

"White" pizza ready to go in the oven.

"White" pizza #2

"White" pizza #3

Hybrid #4

The Works: Tomato sauce, ham, Genoa salami, red pepper, red onion, garlic, mushrooms, olives, Old Amsterdam Gouda, Maréchal du lait crû, Pecorino Romano, Parmigiano Reggiano, Mozzarella di Bufala cheeses, basil, oregano.

Whew.

Careful: You Might Get A Mouthful of Plastic

Making Plastic Food For Restaurant Display in Japan

Check out the amazing way they make cabbage.

And this is even more amazing:

Who Knew?

All my pals

I just checked and found out this blog has (had) 97 followers.

Who the fuck knew?

I wonder if they're still around. I don't even know what a "follower" is.

Well, since I've started cooking again after several years of not cooking (d'oh) perhaps I'll start this blog up again.

Dog knows no one goes to my personal blog anyway (it's devolved into a cat blog—like so many other blogs on the Internet).

I basically quit this blog after a letter I wrote to the Gazette engendered loads of hate mail and people started rooting around in my YouTube channel and just generally being assholes. I decided to shrink my Web footprint to nothing—no one wants to get doxxed and there are plenty of dickheads around these days, so better safe than sorry.

But I had a lot more readers on this blog than I ever did any other, and I more than anyone don't like to see favourite blogs go dark.

So . . .

Wendy, I'M HOME.